Secretary of the Treasury Henry (Hank) Paulson, today issued the unprecedented order that all US taxpayers must eat their young.
"It's a win-win situation," said Paulson, biting down on what looked to be a steak. "By reducing the number of mouths we have to feed, there will be more food for those of us strong enough to remain. It's a classic case of supply and demand." He paused to nudge President Bush, sitting at his side. "Besides, I can do whatever I want, right, little buddy?"
Paulson eye's then turned bright red, fire spat from his mouth, and he flame broiled our reporter.
Non-taxpayers, which comprise more than 50% of the US population, are exempt from the order, since they are mindless cannon fodder, anyway.
"It doesn't make much sense to me," said Sara Solomon, a secretary of Des Moines, Iowa, sitting on a park bench during her lunch break. "I mean, I can understand it if he says we should try to save our money, and live closer to work so we don't use as much gas, and stuff like that, but he wants me to eat my babies? I mean, that just seems wrong."
Dan Jones, of Atlanta, Georgia, agreed. "I ain't eating my kids, or anyone else's kids, regardless what this knucklehead in Washington says. In fact, I think I'm done paying taxes and going to church, too." He scratched his head. "Between you'n me, I'm stocking up on supplies'n ammo and heading to the woods with my family."
Ben Bernanke, spotted on his front lawn in a bathrobe and wearing a dazed look while he retrieved the morning paper, had this to say. "Uh, well, as you can see, I didn't exactly sign up for this sort of stuff, you know? I mean, I used to believe in the American dream. But now that dream has become a nightmare, and I'm sort of caught in the middle of it."
Bernanke began to tremble and put his head in his hands. "Why couldn't I have just been a 5th grade math teacher, like I always wanted to be?"