Federal Government to Buy Your House

The US Federal Reserve, with the approval of both Houses, promised today to purchase your house, and every other residence in the United States, at fair market value. The stunning new rule will go into effect at the end of 2008 and is named the Home Land Protection Purchasing Act of 2008 (Sponsored by Nancy Pelosi and John McCain).

Purchases will be made in an orderly process. In January, 2009, all homeowners who have a last name beginning with A, J, or P will have their home purchased by the government.

All primary homes, condos, townhomes, and beach shantys will be purchased for exactly $230,000, the median home price in the United States, regardless of square footage, backyard, age, frontage, or state of disrepair. Funding for each purchase will come from new issues of Treasury bills, and revenue generated by renting the homes back to the original owners.

"This is another win-win for us, the people of the US, for we are the government," said Hank Paulson, a triumphant look on his face. "By purchasing each and every home in the country, we have truly unified the people with an equitable distribution of responsibility."

Homes with 2 bedrooms or less will be rented back to the owner-citizen for $1200 per month, while homes with 3-5 bedrooms will be rented back for $2000 per month. Homes with 6 bedrooms or more will be rented back for $2100 per month. Owner-citizens will not be allowed to move for a period lasting up to one year as the orderly process of repurchasization begins.

If a homeowner is unable to make his or her monthly payment, he or she and his or her immediate family will be processed for reeducation to learn a new useful skill or trade at one of the newly built US Reprocessing Centers in Arizona, Montana, Alaska, or Tennessee.

"It's time for us to get behind each other, and work our way out of this dreadful financial situation caused by greedy bankers and politicians," said Ben Bernanke, pounding the table with his fist. "Hard work will make us all free in the end. We've lost sight of that as a country."

As part of the Home Land Protection Purchasing Act of 2008, each owner-citizen will be responsible for upkeep and maintenance of his or her residence.

Second and vacation homes will be appropriated by the government for government use.