Monday, December 22, 2008

Investment advisory coaching

I've decided that Bri and I will open up an investment advisory firm, or hedge fund, or unregulated security pool, sometime in the near future. This whole personal coaching thing is great but it's time to take things One Step Beyond. Ha ha. We'll take the money and do wonderful magical things with it, until people start to ask for it back, in which case I will tell them all about the early redemption fees and penalties for leaving our fund. Our fund name will be called Phoenix & Ash Returns Wealth Advisory Management. It's like a clever play on words, if you're an @sshole.

The great thing is, since all these supposed qualifications and letters and fancy schmancy diplomas don't mean anything anymore, we're not going to get any of them. We'll just make you sign a document that states you trust us completely and we can do whatever we want with your money.

Our minimum account requirement is $100,000. We accept gold coins and small unmarked bills. A check will work if necessary but then add a 10% handling fee for check and bank stuff.

Here's our return since 2001:
2001: 12%
2002: 11%
2003: 12%
2004: 10% (a bad year)
2005: 13%
2006: 14%
2007: 12%
2008: 7%

As you can see, we totally kick ass at investing shizzle. Throw me your dollars, quick.

No comments: