Saturday, November 27, 2010

Harry Potter and the goblet of being a pushover sissypants

Spoiler alert:  I am going to tell you how Harry Potter DIES in this movie.

Just kidding, beloved Harry does not die, but I wish he would.  In fact I would like all of the characters except Hermione to expire in some cruel and painful fashion.  I would save Hermione because she is smart and I have a big poster of her on my office wall (I am just kidding, it is really Hillary Clinton).  The rest of them are blithering idiots.  Here is the problem:

Harry is Mr. Super Wizard and can hold his own against the Dark Lord of Super Evil, but he can't evade the dumbest enemies, doesn't seem to be able to fight back in most instances, and doesn't kill some bad mothers when he has the opportunity to do it.  He is a total p**** f*** sh****^. 

In fact, all the good guys in this movie are inept suckers.  They expect things will just work themselves out if they stay true and good and pay their taxes.  Their leaders will figure things out because their leaders are smart and brave and honest, right?  Like here in Ameriduh.

Here is my alternate ending to the Harry SissyPants and Deathly Hallows Part I:

Crazy Bellatrix is chewing on Hermione's arm.  Hermione slips a dagger from her pouch and stabs Bellatrix in the eyeball.  Bellatrix starts screaming.  Then Dobby teleports in, sees the evil Bellatrix , and then teleports into her stomach.  He claws his way out and yells "Here's Dobby!" with just his head extending from her belly.  He has a mad smile on his face.  Bellatrix expires.  Dobby finds the wand of power and the deathstone and takes on Valdemort and everyone else.  Dobby wins by raining down super bad assed-ness and says cute things like "Dobby just stomped your jewels" and "Dobby just appropriated your spine."  Ron and Hermione commence baby making.  Harry helps.  Music fades. Scene cuts to a car crossing train tracks.  Harry is inside.  Train smashes into car.  Valdemort is at the helm.  World goes black.  The end.

I came home and watching "The Expendables," but that was worse. 

Now you can go read this synopsis to ruin the next movie for you. Or just read the book.   Whatever.


Anonymous said...


ds and ns

Steve said...

that was freaking funny. lol

runningyankee said...

you need your own show. really. this is good stuff.

Alicia Parr said...

I'm almost inclined to start reading Harry Potter books just so I can understand what the heck you're talking about. Almost.