Stock feels depressed, underappreciated

Stock, an ownership certificate in the conglomerate company General Electric, feels depressed and undervalued, it said on Tuesday.

"Things just haven't been the same recently," said Stock, sipping quietly on a beer in a pub outside GE headquarters in Fairfield, Connecticut. "I know I haven't been quite on top of my game in the past few months, but look, I'm still in positive territory. I'm making a profit every quarter, I sell and produce mostly real products that people want to buy and use. Not like those idiots on Wall Street."

Stock added, "When was the last time you saw our P/E ratio below 10? I mean, what the f***?"

Stock, who has been with GE since the company's inception in 1894, has not taken the last year well. After several decades of teetotaling and a healthy diet, it fell off the wagon in June, just around the same time its value dropped below $30.

"That was total bullsh**," said Stock. "At thirty (dollars) my dividend yield was something like four percent. Not bad for a big, stable, longtime diversified company like me, right? Growth and stability all the way, I say. But no, they had to go and pummel me down. Now look at me. Look at me, I said!"

Stock paused to pound its chest with one hand. "I got a f***ing bargain for ya, right here, buddy. Nineteen dollars will get you six point five on the dee yee. And I guarantee a mother f***ing bounce back, GE style."

Stock took a swig of its beer. "What a bunch of sissy-weight cowards out there. Buying low-rate CDs, stuffing mattresses with paper bills."

"Paper bills, you dipsh**s! I mean, duhhhhhh!" Stock spat vehemently.

"You think gold nuggets gives you a dividend, or the pride of ownership in a great American company - an icon of ingenuity, perseverance, and all those other big fancy words?"

"***k No!" Stock yelled. "Sh*t man." It paused for a breath.

"Maybe I'll just buy myself and wait out all you morons. I get the idea that most of you don't even know who Thomas Edison was, anyway. Now that was a great American. Man. Those were the days."

Stock then crushed his beer can, threw it to the floor, and quickly left the pub.

A spokesperson for GE was unavailable for comment.